Deep breath

I have a lot on my mind at the moment and in order to help me figure some stuff out I thought I would just type away. Deep breath.....

I'm finding that I am redefining my realtionships with everyone: family, friends, co-workers.... EVERYONE. I don't know if something that has changed within myself or what but, because everything seems to be changing I know it's something to do with me.

Within in my family I find that I'm more and more independent which has it's up and downs. The upside is that I have been given a chance to voice my opinions. The downside is that sometimes my opinions don't always match up with others so I'm feeling a push back. Maybe the independence is more like isolation. I'm not sure.

Friends I have had for years I'm finding a strange new distance between us. There used to be a close bond and becasue we have all changed things are different. My friends have grown and are married now and I'm still single. I have a really hard time being the third wheel. I know it's something I have to get used to but it's getting harder and harder. Every time I see my friends with their hubby's I'm reminded that I'm still by myself. I know I shouldn't think that way but it's a glaring reminder that some how I screwed up and I'm not on par with them. It honestly makes me feel like a failure. I was always the kid who excelled at everything and now I'm the person that no one wants.... at least it feels that way.

Work has gotten a lot worse over the year. All of the changes in staff and the long drawn out remodel have taken it's toll. I wish things could be smoother, calmer, and less intense. I don't feel like I can change anything by myself so I continue on hoping that maybe things will get better if I just ride out this out.

My landlord still has the house for sale. This is a constant stress I have. I have had several friends tell me that I could stay with them temporarily but if I do have to move I want it to be just once. The places I have already looked at are way out of price range. Minimum wage is going up in January but I don't get to reap the benefit of it. Again why everything is stressing me out! I'm also 99% sure that my landlord has decided to star smoking pot in her unit. The horrible odor creeped it's way into my unit and I'm just about ready to scream!

I feel like I need a time out from life for a bit. Now that everything is out there I strangely feel a little bit better. Good night.